Dog day afternoons

I don’t mind sharing. Mostly. Yet schnauzer space is sometimes too good to surrender. I mean, here I am after a hard day. 

I had to bark at numerous cyclists. I had to make a full circuit of the park. I eventually found that tennis ball I lost ages ago.

That is as well as keeping the humans entertained. They need me to look up balefully at them at regular intervals, just so they know that do, really, really do want a piece of their toast, or biscuit or burger or whatever. I’m not a fussy eater.

They also need me to tug on their trouser legs when they are going downstairs as otherwise the descent would be too rapid. They need me to hunt out discarded shoes, making sweeps of the area as often as I can as those shoes can hide very well and are quite sneaky about this.

So, I do all this and all I ask is to catch forty winks uninterrupted and what happens? They want to share the couch space. All of the floor space that’s empty, all of those tall chairs I never bother to sit on and they want to muscle in on my couch to watch the square thing in the corner. 

Well, paws off. 

The Return of the Schnauzer

Deep question to ask. Why is it when humans are busy, it’s the schnauzer who suffers? Well, suffer might be too strong a word. But losing my surfing time is a big deal. I have fans, you know!

So I have been unable to write for a while and it’s all because Mum has been hectic with work. So do I get a sniff of the laptop? No. 

And it’s not like I haven’t been busy. I have had birds to chase out of the garden, a long term that I remain utterly committed to. 

I have managed to demolish a dread enemy, a feat that brought great sobs from my grateful Dad. That running shoe must have been as much of a pain to him as it was to me, because after I had made smithereens of it, all he could say was “Isaac I don’t believe it. I don’t believe it”. Never underestimate the schnauzer, I thought.

I visited my neighbour a few times. I feel this is an important exercise. She has recently acquired a new friend, a fiesty little terrier names Sasha. I have to closely monitor this situation so that Sasha knows that the real love of her new owner’s life is me. Always was and always will be. She can just live there but I remain the king of hearts.

So, it’s been busy for me too and it’s good to be back!

Is it a bird, is it a plane?

I have discovered something too good to keep to myself. I just have to get this out. I have the power of flight.

Yes, airborne, paws off the ground,  flight. I didn't have to grow feathers. And I don't have to live in trees like those pesky birds.

But I can fly. It's hard work, you have to be pretty fit and need a good clear run, no trees to get in the way or humans throwing frisbees or balls for you. Next thing you know it's up, up and away.

To date I haven't managed to soar to great heights but I am happy to report that I have mastered the basic principles.

The sky is the limit!

A boy's best friend

There are all kinds of friends out there. New friends I haven't met yet but have barked at by way of a preliminary introduction. Friends who are always good for a game of chase. Human friends who think the finest thing to do in the world (and correctly so) is to rub my coat, tickle my tummy or feed me treats.

Then there are the other kind of friends. The inanimate ones. They squeak, they never mind you chewing them, they roll around so you can chase them and they don't mind when the humans toss them because of course, I will always retrieve them.

Unlike human friends, these ones never want to go off and sleep, watch the square box, go to work and leave me waiting on them, yes there is a lot to be said for faithful friends.

Now if only they wouldn't fall apart just when you start to get used to them, they'd be downright perfect.

On the nose

Have you ever had a good idea that turned out to be not such a good idea when you put it into action?

Well, that is what happened to me this week. Inspiration struck and then something else struck and the upshot of it all is that I have a skinned nose that is quite stingy.

To make matters worse, Mum keeps dabbing cream on me which would be fine if I could lick it off but I can’t because it tastes awful. Also, I don’t know why she is so keen to put cream on the one place where I am sore. Rub my tummy, stroke my fur but leave the nose alone, please.

My misfortune began with a delicious aroma of basted meat and juicy gravy. I, of course followed this tempting scent to the source.

Which was a booby trap. Mum said it was an old tin can but I know better. It was a fanged monster that mauled and savaged my poor nose and disfigured my schnauzery good looks for who knows how long. I wouldn’t mind but I’ve just had my fur done.

I was lucky to get out of there alive. It grabbed on to me with its jaws of death, trying to suck me in whole, I am certain. You should have seen me pit my wits against the beast. It took all of my strength and cunning to emerge victorious.

I did not escape unscathed and have my battle scars to show for being a courageous warrior and defeating the metal brute.

I am a mighty schnauzer and I took it on the nose.

Catch me if you can

There is a lot to be said for keeping active. And I get around. If I’m not chasing a ball, I am running up and down the stairs to make sure that each of them are still where I left them.

I spend a lot of time stalking the neighbour’s cat. Even after she hisses at me and swats me with her paw. Mum says I never learn but watching that cat is an education. If the neighbour only knew what happened to that wren that used to avail of her bird bath, we’d see who’d be in favour then!

Yes, I’m busy busy, hardly time to catch my breath. You won’t catch me resting on my laurels. 

Hey what are you doing with the clicking thing?

Schnauzer Navigation

My poor humans have to go to a lot of effort to compensate for all the things they don’t have that we dogs take for granted.

It takes lots of words for them to communicate what we can get across with just one wag of the tail.

They have to pile on clothes in the winter just to keep warm, poor things, we just give our coats a shake and we’re ready for the snow!

However, the greatest lengths humans go to just to match our canine cleverness is in seeking directions. They go on a journey and they need books of maps. Many stops to ask directions from random strangers and of course the little speaking invisible woman in the car. 

She speaks to them from behind a screen, saying thing like take the next left and go straight for 10 kilometres. All gobbledegook to me. And to my humans too, it seems because that device has never yet brought us to where we intended to be.

All of these books and gadgets are to make up for the fact that the humans don’t know how to follow their noses. We have a built in guidance system that never fails.

Just follow me.

Singing the blues

If you want Rock and Roll, I'm your schnauzer. I'll lift my leg on any rock you want me to, some you don't and I will always roll over if there is a tummy rub in the offering.

And being happy at even the thoughts of this, I sometimes break into song. This is primarily to remind the humans I'd be happier still if they did some tummy rubbing instead of leaving me to imagine it!

My humans however, sadly have no musical appreciation at all. They are tone deaf. Mum even had the cheek to say I was doing a schnauzer scream, when in fact I was tuning up nicely on a very harmonious ballad I call "Paws up Everybody".

It's not easy to hit all the right notes.

Trimming around the edges

It seems I need a haircut. this is not my view, I should point out but that of the humans in my life.

So let’s see. Should I have some trimmed off my moustache? Oh no, it’s fabulous! Or what about my ears? Definitely not, they give me my defining look.

Perhaps my eyebrows? No, I don’t think so, I like the sartorial me. hands off the paws, of course and while you’re at it, leave the tail alone too.

In fact, just put the blade away. Why mess with perfection?

Schnauzer sharps

It pays to be alert. I pride myself on my second to second, lightening fast responses. How do I do it? I’ll let you in on a little secret. I never take my eye off the ball. Not even for a moment. My concentration is second to none. I am male, hear me roar.

My focus never wavers. I am ready to pounce on any intruder, raise the alarm if anything unusual happens or someone falls down a well and needs rescuing, join any activity, run through the long grass, find missing blind orphans, chase my tail, put birds to flight, put the fear of God into the cat and any number of other good dog works.

Here we are, men of the house, your first line of defense.

Hitting the jim

See, I can do amazing stuff. I surprise myself sometimes with my own genius. And do the humans ever love the stuff I can do!  (Mostly. Mum wasn't impressed with my boot legging activities recently. And when I got the neighbour's cat moving from that spot in the sun with one of my sharpest barks, that didn't exactly get a round of applause either).

However, by and large, I impress my audience more times than I do not. Such as with this latest thing. I can do furnastics. It takes a lot of hard work, commitment, drive, grit, determination, practice but finally I mastered it!

I can get my beard to twitch this way, at the same time lift my ear just so and the humans laugh and laugh. It's not easy successfully achieving furnastics like that, you have to be pretty focused. And sitting in the direction of the wind just right helps too.

So, it's not just Jims-nastics any more. I can do it too!

Getting the boot!

Mission.... To recover mysterious human artefact. I chose to accept it at great peril to myself. There wouldn't be a doggy treat in sight for hours if I got caught on this one!

So, 7am. Human sleeping. Detected by snore check. Check.
7.10 am. Begin assault on wooden mountain. One step at a time. One creak and it's all over.
7.12am. Belly crawl along landing to spy out the lie of the wasteland that is known in human terms as the Bedroom Floor.
7.15am. All clear. Advance slowly. Target in sight. Lying at foot of bed. Path clear of human interference.
7.17am. Secure artefact by grasping firmly between teeth. Retreat speedily but silently.
7.20. Was sure the bumping on the steps of the stairs of this dratted boot would wake the human! Wish was taller!
7.30. Back at base. The treasure is mine. But just the same practice looking innocent.

Following my nose

There is something marvellous about being out of doors, something that reminds me that I am dog and hear me roar. Or at least bark.

There are so many exciting things to do that it is no wonder that I feel my inner wolf emerge every time I get into some grass or within sight of a tree trunk.

First, there is the most important job at hand. Scent everything in sight. One never knows when or where one is about to meet the love of one’s life, or at least day, so it is important to let her know you are in the area and never mind those other lesser dogs.

Then, there is the business of picking up a scent and identifying it. There are bird scents, squirrel scents, dog scents, human scents and all sorts of other ones, some filed in categories I call “Critters to be Avoided”.

Now there are times when Mum reckons that I have no sense. Well, she couldn’t be more wrong. 

I have nose scents.

The green green grass of home

I think one of the best things about being me is that I get to make up games of my own. I really like this and best of all, Mum is always happy enough to join in and that makes the game even better.

Of course, when I was a puppy, I had a great game called Chew the Shew but Mum got her part in this game all wrong. She thought she had to hide all her shews and she spoilt the game because I never could find where she put them when she wasn’t wearing them.

Here’s a game I played one sunny day when we went out in the fields for a walk. It’s called Schnauzer Troll. All I have to do is hide under a nice bit of stone or grassy step and wait to pounce on Mum when she catches up on me.

See, just under the next brow, there’s my eyes! 

The Philosopher's Schnauzer

Anyone with ears to hear will know that all schnauzers have a bark for every occasion. My own bark dictionary is generously endowed. There is “The Stranger at the Door” bark. The “Looks like the Postman is Going to Risk Calling Here Again” bark. The “I can’t Believe it, I see Another Dog on my Favourite Walk” bark. The “I Would Love Another Biscuit” bark. The “Why are You Looking at that Square Thing when You can Throw this Ball for Me” bark.

There are lots more too. No matter the event, the day or the occasion, there is a schnauzer sound to match. Humans of course don’t bark, they talk. That means they use words. Well, funny thing is, they seem to have hundreds of these and yet, they do like to repeat some over and over.

Recently, my humans have been saying some words a lot that remind me of my “I’m Not Going in There, That’s The Vet’s Place” bark. I don’t know what their words are but they don’t seem to like what they mean. They get many of them from the face in the box thing.

Here are some: “credit crunch” - some new dog treat, surely. And “negative equity” - a new agility sport, doubtless. “Rising unemployment” - a trick they will probably want me to learn. “Recession” - seems like a worm or tick or some other piece of nastiness as the humans make it sound rather awful and it is everywhere according to what I can hear from them.

However, they ought to learn from the way of the schnauzer. See, I know something that they never talk about from the square box. No matter about the treats you can’t afford or tricks that test you out, I’ll still be your schnauzer. I still think you are fabulous. My fur still feels soft and warm if you rub me down. I love your company. I’m never too tired or bored or busy to go for a walk with you.

And see that glint in my eye? It’s just because I’m happy to see you.

Sun, sea and schnauzer

The other day, Mum bundled me into the metal thing, the one with the magic doors. I get in, they close and my house is there. They open, I get out and instead of my house there is a nice wood to walk in or a beach to play on.

This time, it was a beach. I cannot emphasis enough what fun can be had on a beach. The top three activities are as follows; 3. Running after birds. This is in third place as the birds will always try to fly away and succeed. 2. Digging. There is so much lovely soft sand that just about any old spot on the beach is good for this. 1. Getting sand in your fur and freaking out the humans. This one is top of the list as it works every time. It also endures long after you have left the beach. Possibly even to the next day if you amass enough of it!

However, for the inexperienced out there, I can provide a few safety tips. First of all, never drink the water. There is an awful lot of it but it must be there a long time because it tastes dreadful. Clearly not out of a bottle.

It is easy to lose sight of the humans if you run of leash. This freaks them out more than the sand in the fur does and is a bit scary for us too.

And lastly, run on, dig in and roll over the sand but never, ever taste it. Once in the mouth and you are chewing for hours afterwards and not in a good way. You can drink lots of water and try to dislodge it by licking the humans but bits of it are staying on your tongue no matter what.

See, that's a grainless grin!

Imitation is the schnauzery-est form of flattery

I was in the woods the other day for a nice long walk. This was a fascinating place to be as I could smell rabbits and squirrels and birds. I could see and hear plenty of birds too but the squirrels and rabbits thought they could elude me by staying out of sight. This was a very successful strategy.

The birds thought they could elude me by flying. Also a strategy with a high success rate. 100% clearance for the birds, actually. Not that I was counting or anything.

To be fair, though, I had a couple of disadvantages against me. First of all, there were loads of other dogs out walking too as Mum thinks pack walks are going to be good for me. This meant I was distracted from my hunting what with having to bark at all of those other dogs individually and collectively. Also some wanted to bark back, so the rabbits, birds and squirrels were probably tipped off something was up with all that racket.

However, my long tailed, bob tailed and feathered friends, I will be back. Us schnauzers have a saying. If I hunt and you run away, I can hunt you another day.

However, among those other dogs I met, there were some strange ones. Huge ones, with great big paws, small ones with little barks to match and even one in fancy dress. He wanted to look just like me.

He was almost my twin. I say almost as perfecting my look takes a lifetime. Mine!

"If you think my beard is long, you should see your own ears!"

"Hey, you're not bad looking. With a little more work, you could be as nice as me!"

Schnauzer impressions

For those of you who can't tell from  my accent, I live in Ireland. Just to keep you up to date with second hand items I get to hear that have no interest for schnauzers whatsoever, it seems that we have had a fairly busy two weeks in Ireland.

First a woman called the Queen of England visited. Whatever Queen is or England, I don't know but there was a lot of excitement about it. Here's what I saw of it. Nice lady, chewable hat.

Then the President of the United States visited. Again, whatever President is or indeed United States, is a great unknown. Never mind. Here's what I saw of it. Tall man. Chewable looking shoes. Very shiny.

These two events had the humans stuck to the square thing, watching it for hours on end. So I decided to do some schnauzer impressions of famous people to get their attention back where it belongs. On me.

So here I am doing my impression of Dick Dastardly's famous cartoon dog Mutley. Khe-hee-heee!

Schnauzer sea shanty

I had the unexpected opportunity to go on a dogathon. At least it was unexpected by me. My own intention for the day was to take a nice stroll to the park and then home for a nap on the couch.

However, Mum had other plans. The dogathon, in case you are wondering, and I know you are, is a long walk for dogs. It was near the sea. The only thing I saw was lots of rain and salty flavoured mist that kept blowing into my beard. It came from this hu-mong-ous puddle. I mean, this was the biggest puddle you ever saw. If I told you you could sail a ship across it, you wouldn't believe me but it's true.

So I was inspired to put together a little schnauzer sea shanty for you. Tune up, it goes like this:

Why would I want to walk when there’s showers

Why would I want to walk when there’s showers

Why would I want to walk when there’s showers

I’ll only get my paws wet,

Hooray you’ve put my coat on

Hooray you’ve put my coat on

Hooray you’ve put my coat on

Now I feel like a daft one

What’s wrong with you can’t you see it’s raining

What’s wrong with you can’t you see it’s raining

What’s wrong with you can’t you see it’s raining

This is awful weather

Hooray you’ve put my coat on

Hooray you’ve put my coat on

Hooray you’ve put my coat on

Now I feel like a daft one

How could you do it coz I’m a good boy

How could you do it coz I’m a good boy

How could you do it coz I’m a good boy

You shouldn’t put the dog out

Lord of the Ring

Interesting fact here, there is not as much difference between us and the humans as we all might have thought.

Having said that, there are a few important things that set us apart. We can smell a sausage from the next street over. And we don't mind peeing in public, not at all. Apart from that, peas in a pod.

As I can illustrate with my story here. The other day, Mum took me to a dog show. I was wondering what it was they wanted to show us dogs and I'm sorry to say, I am still not clear on that and can provide no insight here.

Whatever they wanted to show us, we had to walk around in a big circle looking for it. The mystery deepened as not one of us found a darn thing.

However, it was not all a waste of time as I did discover that if we like chasing things, well, so do the humans. They were all really keen to get these round shiny things called medals. Mum got one and boy, was she ever pleased. Don't know why, it's not even good for chewing.

I might, on a day when I have the time, teach Mum to chase fun things. Like cats. And birds. And falling leaves.

Of course, there is another similarity between us and them. Mum often says she must be barking. She's not very good at it though, I've never heard it. She's never even managed to make the neighbour's cat look twice, poor thing.

Maybe it's best if the humans leave being a schnauzer to us who do it best.