Then I heard squeak

I love my toys. Some of them are just made to please a discerning schnauzer like me. Like all of the best inventions, simplicity is the key to the success of the really great ones.

I have this round thing, it's like a ball but it has little horns on it that are bloody great for chewing. This toy bounces and best of all it squeaks when I grab it. It's a sound I never tire of. Never mind all that rubbish on the tv, I can't be bothered with that. Not when I can make this round thing make that sound.

Amazingly, it sometimes disappears. Usually at the time the humans are especially engrossed watching that tv box thing. Which is a real nuisance as it would be really handy to have my favourite toy around when Mum is too busy watching tv to play with me. If I have to make my own fun, I would like having the correct props to hand.

Anyway, when the bouncy squeaker is available, it is such fun. Only I speak squeak and it cracks me up every time!

Human behaviour

There is no making sense of the world sometimes. some things are just outside of a dog's understanding.

Take for example, St. Patrick's Day. Well, you can do the same for Christmas or lots of occasions. To a schnauzer, a day is a day is a day. You get up, you walk, you find a nice lamp post, you eat, you drink. Spare time is for cuddling with the humans.

The humans, on the other hand, they have all sorts of different days. Days for going shopping. Days for eating turkey. Days for wearing shamrock. Talk about complicating life.

Sometimes, a clever schnauzer knows to just play along. I have to say though, if anyone can tell me why oh why I need to look like this, I would take it as a kindness. I can tell you this much, there's no food to be had from it!

Turning green

This is my second St. Patrick's Day but I don't remember last year as I was a schnauzer of very tender years. Well months.

Anyway, what I hear is that there is going to be a parade down our street. I can't wait. There will be loads of people right outside my door, just right there for me to bark at. I can bark at the musicians. Or the dancers. Or the marching bands. Or the comics. Or the spectators.

My mind boggles at the thoughts of all there is to it. Whoever thought of this is a genius. A schnauzer loving genius. This will be better than a treat. Better than going to the park. Better than tummy rubs. I really ought to be practising for a bark fest like this. I do the occasional little dry run when out on my walks lately. A little woof here, a little bow wow there.

I'll have my full range ready for the actual day though, I promise.

Of course, as far as anyone else is concerned, I am going to the parade and going to be adorable. I have my costume and everything.

So, keep it to yourself, yea?

The look

If there is one thing I have worked very hard on since I was a puppy it is this. Wait for it, you'll be really impressed with my knowledge and use of this phrase. Non verbal communication. See, doesn't that sound full of schnauzery importance?

Now I am fully prepared to admit that one of my favourite things to do is bark, whether or not my listeners appreciate my skill at it.

However, I also know that I can say a lot with just a look. It is not by accident that we schnauzers have big brown eyes and devilish good looks.

I have devoted a lot of time to perfecting "the look" and let me tell you, my success with it knows no bounds. I have successfully lobbied to be brought to Grandma's, out for walks, to have just one more treat or a taste of that chicken. It s fool proof.

You believe me, don't you?

Tricks and trickery

The humans call it training but any dog worth his bark knows better. Bribery is what it is. We give them what they want in return for a little reward.

It's a system that usually works very well. As I have written here previously, I have been handsomely paid in dog biscuits for doing things I like but waiting for Mum to tell me to do it first.

As with so much in life, however, given enough ointment, there has to be a fly. Mum and I are going to try to be a Pets as Therapy team. This means I will be going to visit children and other people with Mum and they will (of course !!) be delighted to see me.

First, though, I have to do some training. Now I am well and truly puzzled at this. It is my experience that everyone is delighted to see me wherever I go, so why I suddenly have to learn things in order to meet people I'm sure I don't know.

I have to bark less. I have to stay and sit and not jump up. Oh yes and bark less. Mum is looking forward to taking me to school when I have learned all of this. I already know how to do all of these things but I have to prove it now. With generous treat bonuses.

I still like to bark though and I am prepared to throw in a few free barks fairly regularly without biscuit payment.

But here is the thing. I thought children went to school to learn things. Yet I am the one getting lessons and having to do all this work.

 It's a case of sitting up and paying attention. But I don't really mind. I'm the teacher's pet.

Training the humans

I have discovered how simple it is to relieve the humans of especially nice treats. It is so effortless, I almost feel guilty about it. Almost but not quite!

Listen to this. If I pretend to learn stuff I already know how to do, they make a big fuss of me and biscuits, chewys, all kinds of yummy stuff come my way.

I mean I have always known how to sit down. I'm very good at it too, especially if the couch is free. But if I make out that I have just learned the art of it just as Mum says "Sit", out comes the treats and she seems to think it's an amazing feat of genius.

I'm all for keeping them happy so I am delighted to oblige with as much of this as there are biscuits in the box. If I wish to part the human from some tasty morsel, all I have to do is pretend to have learned how to sit, how to lie down, how to run back to Mum in the park and every time, they are fooled! I have them almost completely trained.

Sometimes being a schnauzer is just too easy.

"Sit Isaac"..... like taking a chew toy from a puppy!

Caught speeding

If there is anything better than feeling the wind in your fur, I can't think what it might be. Well, there is my favourite food, but other than that, nothing. Apart from those yummy treats I like. And having my tummy tickled. And chasing the cat. And chewing that little ball thing and hearing the squeaky noise.

Well, the point is wind in my fur is pretty cool too. It's on my list. There's a trick to it as well. But because I like you, I'll let you in on my secret.

If you run really really fast, the wind will whip up your fur and make it blow in your eyes and people will laugh at you a you flit by. Altogether a pleasant experience and I am happy to recommend it.

Just watch out for trees standing in unexpected places. Someone should tell them I only need them around when I need to go to the bathroom!